Peaceful Preferences
Instructions for making decisions that minimize regret
I think regret is preventable. Regret is caused by not processing gut feelings (hesitations, inclinations, hunches, and curiosities).
Intuition heuristics:
- "It's a good opportunity but I'm hesitant" -> Regret
- "I can't explain it but it feels right for me" -> Glad
- "I should do it but I don't want to" -> Regret
- "It seems silly but I like it" -> Glad
My theory: regret is the future form of unprocessed emotions. If you make a decision while conflicted with unprocessed emotions, those emotions return as regret.
How it works: Before a decision where you feel conflict, pause and digest all those emotions. Once you feel mostly neutral, sense which choice feels most peaceful. Do that one.
Instructions:
- Notice you're in a decision with inner conflict: e.g. whenever you say "I should" or notice a strong craving or urgency.
- Say out loud: "I should do {X}, my impulse is to do {Y}."
- Talk back to yourself out loud: "You should {x}, because {guess at why this matters to you}." Reflect back your shoulds and impulses without arguing. (Or if you know resonance, do self-resonance.)
- Repeat until you feel emotionally neutral.
- Take some space (big decision: revisit in a week; small: 60 seconds).
- Say: "I should do {x}, my impulse is to do {y}, and my peaceful preference is to do {a}." Wave your head side to side in a relaxed pattern. Notice if it feels true. If unsure, it's probably not - try inverting the sentence to check.
Quotes from my friends:
Ben Pan said: "I think that's one of the most life changing things I've learned, how to reach peaceful preference between your subconscious and conscious mind"
Maile Minardi said: "Peaceful Preferences are now my roadmap for all parts of my day here are a few small examples that FELT SO GOOD to choose"
Your gut is good at regret minimization - it's a supercomputer that has seen all your decisions. It works best when you integrate information from different parts of you, and that's what this is.
"But on some decisions you just gotta use logic ya?" No - this is a way of allowing your gut to synthesize all the information in your brain and emotions. Integrate/process/feel all the logic/shoulds. That way you get all the info from your brain and your gut.
"Peaceful intuition vs fear/impulse vs wishful thinking?" Peaceful preference feels clear, grounded, relaxed, non-urgent. Fear/impulse often feels constricted and urgent. Wishful thinking might feel exciting but non-grounded/non-relaxed. If it feels urgent and your conscious mind has major logical hesitations, it's impulsive, if it's relaxed and your conscious mind has no major objections, it's likely a peaceful pref.
Examples
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Next steps
It'll take about maybe 10-15 decisions of using this before you hit the magic moment where it clicks.
Practice with small fast-feedback-loop low-stakes decisions: food, clothing, tweets, emails, exercise, shopping, texts, social event decisions.